Відео

This is the most comprehensive explanation of why one might choose to become an affair partner I’ve ever heard and for me, how it relates to both my parents cheating on each other at different ages of my life. How they involved me and how I’ve not recognized how that relates to choices I have made. Thank you!! Whew! Really appreciate finding this.

Yes the nastiness is disgraceful.

This is not just affair advice...❤by

15 minutes of preamble, waivers and disclaimers. Gotta tighten that up a bit.

Watching this as an unfaithful spouse. My affair lasted for 9 months and was utterly intense and exhausting, and ended bitterly. Want to share my story now that I gained new perspective. First, some context. Me - 8 years married, 12 in relationship, no history of prior cheating. As a couple we had a strong lack of passion and sex for the past 5-6 years. We were good partners and caring parents, but the spark and desire for each other was lost. I was craving for new sexual and emotional experiences, yet was too ashamed to admit it to myself. She (my AP): single, 7 years younger, came out of nowhere. It only took 5 hours of deep, intimate conversation on a warm august night and that was it. I fell in love. One of the first things I learned about her was that she suffered a breakup just a couple of months before meeting me. She resented her ex and their relationship, and told me how abusive and utterly devoid of any real connection they were. She was kinda broken and was yearning for acceptance, empathy, warmth and good emotions. Even though I told her I was married with kids, our flirting continued and none of us had the guts to say 'no'. And wouldn't you know it -- by our second meeting that was it: the trap door closed and we found ourselves neck-deep in the most wonderful, passionate, intimate and intense thing ever. We knew this would end one day, but we willingly put all those thoughts aside and submissed ourselves into cognitive dissonance, as the very notion of ending this miracle became too... intrusive. After all, all we wanted was to enjoy each other and have fun and sex as much as we could, and not think about reality. At first we didn't notice it, but although she said she was the happiest person with me and wanted only me (and I reciprocated), the reality started creeping in. All this secrecy and lies took a toll on both of us, and 5 months in she admitted it was too hard for her and that she wanted to end it. It was insanely painful for the both of us, we cried for hours saying how much we love each other, but we agreed it was the right decision, and I honeslty felt the same way too. She thanked me for 'the hell I dragged her out of' and for 'making her re-adjust with her self again'. The problem was that we didn't really know how to end it. For several days after the breakup we shared our feelings and were supporting each other, and, frankly, did all we could NOT to cut the ties. And yeah... less than a week later we got back together. How? I hate to admit it, but I tricked her (and myself) into thinking that I would divorce my wife in the foreseeble future and carve out a 'legitimate space' for us. And I even got into therapy to discuss the whole thing with a professional. But instead of facing reality, we once again fell into cognitive dissonance, only now the stakes were higher and it wasn't as 'innocent' as before. Yet we felt elation and happiness once again. "Yay, we're back together and this time FOR REAL!!!" And wouldn't you know it, she began allowing herself to feel more relaxed, and as spring came we started seeing each other more often and with more intensity. She said I was the one. That she never felt anything similar to another man, that she chooses me. But with that came her need for legitimacy. She began asking the 'when'-questions, which, admittedly, I didn't have answers for. The pressure grew and I started feeling the happiness getting slowly replaced with exhaustion and anxiety. Over time she became more irritant, and it took only a couple of mishandlings (i.e. fuckups) from my side to reveal the bitter truth: I wasn't going to leave my family and I couldn't give her the spotlight she deserved. So in May I decided to break up with her as I felt how wrong, unfair and exacting the whole thing was. It took us several weeks and a couple of attempts, but in the end we cut all communications. She doesn't want to hear from me anymore and wants me out of her life for good, although she admits having strong feelings for me. And I accept that. What saddens me the most is how once beautiful thing can turn ugly, and how people who once were the closest, most dear people to each other in the whole world, who shared the most intimate secrets, can be irrevocably cast apart. How these connections just...end. That's the hardest thing for me to accept and one that brings me agony every day. I returned to my marriage, barely holding on, with no clear path forward. I feel miserable and the pain is excrutiating, but I know I made the right choice for the both of us, however painful it was. In the end, my family life is intact (for now at least), and I'm slowly making progress. I really want her to move on and find harmony and true love. I wrote a very kind and intimate farewell letter to her, but I'm not sending it in order not to cause any more pain. I miss her immensely, but she explicitely said she wants to get free of me. And I will honor that. I am glad that I had this experience, it was a life changer and an opporunity for the both of us to gain more insight into our psyche and needs, and come out a stronger, more mature versions of ourselves. Hopefully. It's just that...I wonder what would have happened if I went to a couples therapy, and my ex-AP gave her more time to heal wounds from the previous relationship 😀

This was very helpful. Thank you

"Power" ...really...in todays world? All these strong independent women with all their wisdom and intuition?

This is far and away the best video I've seen about healing from the perspective of having an affair. Obviously this topic brings a lot of fear and anger, which are represented in many responses. But this video goes beyond blaming to the step after that, compassion to grow into a more expansive, steady version of ourselves. Thank you for the concrete suggestions at the end. I'm still in limbo with my MM, but we're trying to break up. It's so painful. We're not together because of a life changing health issue. It is so painful, and I'm wrestling with self-loathing, sadness, and anger. Thank you for the guidance and kindness.

Thank you for making this. I learned a lot from this.

Just discovering your channel. I've watched a lot of videos in this topic (and there's a lot of competition out there), but I really like what you're bringing to the table. Thank you for your content.

When a woman is respected as a equal and a true soul mate , then the sex is so much better. We are not slightly different creatures from men in this way. We dont want to see sex as men doing a favour for us . We what the sex with a man that knows our true worth . That we live in a world that does not give us the same privileges that they have . That we can ask our partner what we would like in love making .

People actually think you can own another individual.... That's just ridiculous; married or not you will never stop a grown adult from choosing to cheat or stay faithful. So, blaming someone else is a Oxy Moron. It's simply a choice that was made to do so!! The Ego can fool you into thinking you have alot of Darn Power, when actually you're just a target like everybody else!! 🤷

If only i can explain my story.. 🫂😔 plz leave & dont look back. it will ruin ur life. Just think about this, here is a man ur contributing to, ruining a family, him lying to his family and friends, ll eventually comesback to bite you. Trust me. In time , even there lying gets more sophisticated and more believable so the cheating partner believes them.

Second listening this is amazing thank you 🙏

Do you do phone consultations

No power involved, just a beautiful relationship sharing many interests.

Thanks so much Alexandra for this beautiful, interesting and enlightening conversation between 2 amazing therapists. It has been a pleasure to listen to you both sharing so much wisdom and useful ideas. Thanks! ✨🤍

I love this!

Excellent! I hope this gets more views. ❤

I have been all 3 in the scenario. I would have NEVER thought I’d cheat until I was cheated on. I can tell you this. Of all positions to be in the affair partner is the worse. You know you’re a piece of crap anytime you’re willing to compromise everything for the #2 spot and in the end what are you proud of? When I was the other woman I could never be myself or make natural moves- every move I made was calculated to keep him interested- to keep up the facade, to keep my true feelings at bay. Nothing was pure or real.

Did she do a video on the betrayer?

do you offer consultations? I need to talk to someone about this!

Also ive heard misery likes company. They affair down. And broken seeks broken. Its the biggest ego boost. Take another womans husband. Whats you view on this. ?

What if the AP believe the lies she's told? He told her he was single and we they have broken up.. Still married but split up. AP asked him to file. And to get his tattoos covered up. Basically, get rid of his past. ( I've since found out she was seeing a married man in the same office ( she knew he was married, before she came on to my husband)

As soon as I hear “cis/hetero” I needed to shut this off.

Your talks are brilliant. Very valuable however I would love it if you would slow down just a little bit so that I could absorb more of it. Your perspective is unique and has helped me understand in a confusing situation. Thank you.

Good people in good relationships may face entanglements. Even the best intentioned people can slowly let their boundaries be eroded into a full blow affair. I don't understand the reason of many puritanical comments. I am not a religious person but a very intelligent man from Galilee said he who is free from sin, let him cast the first stone.

You cannot build a happy home or relationship on the wrecks your affair has caused. Even if the mariage ends you will remain number 2, second choice. Especially if there is overlap. Men do not leave unless they know number 2 is waiting. One day the Affair Parther will be the number 2 (again?). This is what we become if we do not have the courage to do what is right and walk away from what is wrong. We used to have a social network that helped us to stay on track. In today’s world that is much harder. You need innerstrenghts to face your self.

You cannot build a happy home or relationship on the wrecks your affair has caused. Even if the mariage ends you will remain number 2, second choice. Especially if there is overlap. Men do not leave unless they know number 2 is waiting. One day the Affair Parther will be the number 2 (again?). This is what we become if we do not have the courage to do what is right and walk away from what is wrong. We used to have a social network that helped us to stay on track. In today’s world that is much harder. You need innerstrenghts to face your self.

I believe that the AP has a narrow lens (skewed, bent, and broken) and the AP reduces their empathy-so in a sense they lose a bit of their humanity. Duplicity=inauthentic. I have never been betrayed but I have seen these ‘other’ women in social situations with their AP. They seem uncomfortable and constantly keeping an eye on their AP like they can’t trust them. It’s not worth it. The betrayed wife actually seems to move onto a better life and the ‘other’ woman is still jealous of her. It’s bizarre.

Thank you for this. You are articulate and clear. You don’t mince your words. It’s tough to find speakers and professionals on UA-cam who are motivational. Thanks for motivating me! Three months ago, I left a relationship with my boyfriend after 10 months of Couples Counseling. It was clear that we were incompatible, and the counselor was concerned that we were pretzeling ourselves to please one another. It was the toughest decision to make myself leave and brought out of side of my boyfriend I had not seen With me, though had seen with others. It took me 18 months to cultivate the courage to leave. You hit it on the nail where there’s an amazing identity overhaul in crisis of the identity: the hardest thing I think for most of us to ever have to go through. Processing the feelings afterward felt like the worst fight or flight self-examination and Self scrutiny I’d ever put myself through, as if my self-concept and my relationships with Society, Family, friends, my boyfriend was trial and I was about to go prison for failing at it. Months before I exited, my boyfriend and I had discussed a friendship-fallback to which I was readily prepared and looked Forward to on an occasional basis. Though, he would have none of it. The amount of blame hurling at me in the words, he used helped in the sense that it solidified my conviction as to why I needed to leave. It pretty much sealed off the door to friendship. He showed his cards that confirmed I took the right path. Coming out of all of this has given me a rebirth in a way I never could’ve imagined. My worst fear of leaving or being left came true and it was every terror I ever thought it would be. But I did it For myself, and oddly enough, I did it for my boyfriend, because he was miserable too, and someone had to make a move. It certainly is complex our human relationships with regard to attachment, attunement, the four Horsemen of the apocalypse as John Gottman and his wife talk about. I truly believe in all of that and will continue to practice those lessons that I learned in counseling.

This person is trying to sound intelligent, but it could be a thousand different things besides what is being implied. Assuming you know without all the facts is not intelligent; in fact, it is as far from intelligence as one can get.

This entire explanation or argument is premised on the idea that marriage is somehow an ideal state and not in actuality a largely failed myth of culture in which people become subsumed and pigeonholed. The assumption that I must be broken, confused or compromised because I have chosen to make love with my partner is the least feminist position you could possibly take. I am neither of those things. What I am is in full embrace of reality. My sexual needs are being met. His sexual needs are being met. She has zero sexual interest in her husband. For six of the last 17 years she has not touched him and avoid him by staying up late after he goes to bed. For five of those years he and I were drawn to each other and did nothing about it despite strong desire and friendship. This year I changed my perspective on the entire thing because I stopped to think about how short life actually is, about how much I genuinely like him and care about his happiness, and about how little I buy into the BS about marriage. In this video you perpetuate the myth that marriage is an ideal state for any individual, no matter what. I wholeheartedly disagree. And I think that assertions that people who do not believe that marriage is an ideal state need to be fixed is like saying that LGBTQ individuals need to be reprogrammed. Marriage is the biggest hoax played upon people there has ever been. If I do my partner any favor whatsoever it is not orgasms or blowjobs, it is seeing him for the whole person he is and acknowledging that the only thing that prevents him from fully expressing himself is his unfortunate state of being caught up in the marriage myth. Every aspect of our culture insists that people do this thing that is anathema to their existential right to be free and express themselves fully. Men and women are jacked around by fiction, advertising, capitalism, marketing, stereotypes and bullshit. The person who needs help is the one who will not acknowledge the truth that most marriages do not last, that physical desire shifts and most often leaves, and that infidelity is common for a very good reason. It would be more honest for you to create a video in which you discuss this truth and liberate people from cultural narratives that entrap them.

I prefer Esther! You seem so closed in and much less open, wise and intelligent. You lack the ability to see the complexity of relationships and situations. Just being honest.

The 3 roles are actually 2 roles. The AP is the "innocent" one. The one cheating is at fault. The one being cheated on is at times at fault as well. It is between the two of them. The 3rd is most often a symptom of the malfunction.

Amazing insights! I much appreciate your generosity for making this available! I already bought courageous love now I will get dr Fishbane’s book. You are amazing people above everything!❤

Don't give a fuck...that's they problem, not mine!!! Peaceful life!!

I did NOT have an affair omg you are so wrong. My parents did not cheat!!

Dara you going to hell

This provided a lot of clarity for me, thank you and please keep them coming.

Very insightful‼️

How will I ever get the AP to hear this? It all makes sense. Oh. I'm the betrayed spouse. Maybe I should not have listened, but I'm working on trying to forgive and empathize with the AP.

Mimi said all men cheat

Sounds like Dara

I didn’t have no affair with Scott

What about the sex!!

Trust has to be felt. It’s so hard. Words and actions must match.

I just wanted to thank you for this insight. It's helpful to me 💙

Esther Perez speaks nine languages - she states that there is a word for the other woman in all 9 Languages yet there are no words in those languages for the other man. I find that interesting.

Wish you’d address the problem in older people’s marriages - sexless marriages. Usually it’s the woman doesn’t want sex anymore. Or sometimes a partner becomes ill or has a dementia. Is the other person obligated to remain sexless for the rest of his/her life in these circumstances? I know a few couples in these kinds of situations. The partner who still wants and needs sex doesn’t want to end the marriage, and neither do the affair partners they’re involved with. Both have settled lives, but just need physical intimacy. A friend of mine is in her late 60s and still very sexual. Her affair partner is in his late 60s as well, and his wife has dementia and other end-of-life health issues. They’ve been together for almost three years. He is honoring his vows for “in sickness and health” and is committed to his wife’s care, but also is still in need of sex …